Thoughts: This can’t be the rest of my life
Right now I’m supposed to be doing a bunch of homework. I’m also supposed to be gearing up for some other important things in my life but all I can do is think. Not just think, but feel. Lately, this blog has become more of a venting space instead of a place for providing information on Crohn’s Disease and IBDs period. Don’t worry, it’ll get back to that soon enough.
I don’t know, it may be a combination of the medicines I’m on, but I’ve been a complete wreck lately. Between school stress and the stress of having an illness, it’s getting to me. I’m almost done Pred which is awesome but I’m still on this TB medicine for 7 more months and the side effects from both are a lot. My Crohn’s Dr says I’m doing pretty good and he’s hoping that the Pred is all that I need but we’re talking about Remicade and Humira again because it’s not 100% since the Crohn’s I have just builds up and attacks so it’s just a waiting game. He told me that I should go ahead and do what I want as far as music but I have to promise him that I’ll come in for treatments and manage my stress. That’s what I’m going to do. The problem I’m running into is these stupid tests and additional diseases or symptoms that are going along with Crohn’s. Not to mention that the med I’m on for TB (I don’t have it, just was exposed thanks to my immune system and some gross person), is just plain freaking weird and I’m ready for it to go. Anyway, some of the things being brought up are Arthritis, Fibromyalgia, Lupus, liver damage, and even Cancer. That’s a lot to digest and it’s something that I’ve never paid attention to but my thing is this; I don’t want to hear anything else about what could happen, what I could have, what this and that can cause, none of it. I just want a cure for this bs and everything that goes with it that doesn’t involve me being a lab rat.
I’ve said this before and my main thing is time. I don’t like wasting time, especially now, because things get unpredictable and I want to maximize everything. School is driving me nuts (I haven’t been able to focus at all this year and its showing), and all I want to do is go after my dreams and have fun. But drs appointments and tests and sick days get in the way of that. I want to chill with my friends but I can barely get out of bed to go to school or work on the stuff that I want to do. I feel like I’m self absorbed because the only things I care about right now are my health, my dreams, and making sure I get to where I need to be in life and doing the things I want. I care about my friends and everything they’re going through but how can I be there for them if I’m falling apart? The sad thing is, they don’t see that and they probably never will because I can’t show it. It’s not intentional, it’s just that when I’m around them, I’m happy and the bad doesn’t really show.
I hate this whole thing and I have a gajillion more years to live and I need to figure out how to get rid of this part.
I don’t know, I’m just venting but as always, I hope this rant helps someone out in their life.